I found it very hard to accept and digest really. You might lessen the conflict of the high conflict partner, but it will likely always be high maintenance with her. The first 4 months of the relationship were brilliant, we went on holiday and were both very happy. BPD affects the sexual functioning of many of those who suffer. These individuals struggle with the inability to resist urges, particularly emotionally-driven urges. End up with two young kids. I got to this post and read this Sadly, because the behavior patterns of a woman with traits BPD in the beginning stages of romance are indistinguishable from any other person in love, the best you may be able to hope for is that you dont fall for this con again.. Sit up and look at you all night? Many nice-guy types are willing to accept these flaws. What should i do? People with BPD fear abandonment and have trouble maintaining relationships. I even tried again years later with her because I believed in her and had hope as you say. Our goal is to provide a show that offers hope and help to you or your loved ones with BPD and to answer big questions that others in the field are too scared to answer. But when I even approached this she would say dont devalue my thoughts and feelings. Im quite concerned about the advice of this article which seems to be to abandon any women exhibiting traits of BPD. Why dont we talk about how suicide is at its highest rate for men and women with BPD. JT, two things can happen. But as far as your psychological safety, that can depend on how severe her condition is and on how vulnerable you are to any emotional abuse you may have suffered in the relationship. What have I been through ? If you are struggling with borderline personality disorder and are in need of information and support, please call the National Alliance on Mental Illness at 1-800-950-6264. Borderline personality disorder belongs to a class of mental health conditions known as personality disorders, which can cause significant distress for those living with them. These articles are not helpful for people who are trying to recover. They only stop the defensive behaviors that women with traits of BPD engage in with their relationship partners and with family members, which is only one of many aspects of the condition. Dont you want. I replied the next day and agreed a basic chat the following day: She called saying she had seen a doctor for depression but now had to run into work and we could talk later (all of 30 secs!) looking back at those i feel shared these BPD traits, i can say i think my portion was anywhere from 5 to 10 % of the problem, and im pretty quick to admit when im wrong i dont really care, i dont always have to be right. Lets take a closer look at how the nice-guy/borderline connection can lock a healthy man into an unhealthy relationship. They have extraordinary abilities to figure out what to say to speed things along, even if it means saying they want things to go slowly. I cant work out and nor can her family . Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Alcohol Use & BPD: Risk Factors, Reasons & Recovery, Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. Wonderful article! Jasmine: I dont want you to do anything. She WILL be honest with you and if you are not committed to recovery and growth, the feedback can be strong. For the first few months she was very kind and loving towards me. Joanna, there is so much of my life that mirrors what you say. Shes mercurial, irresponsible, and resentful of Joel to the point of being outright nasty. I could talk for longer I really could. Couldnt answer a simple question like yes or no. DR, I assume youre asking about standard treatment for the disorder. Joanna No problem. If the pain and conflict can be reduced, nice guys do well at high maintenance. Phil, I wish I could take all the credit for my accuracy. He loves me and my BDP but he has respect for himself and he has a backbone. Trevor, this is such a terribly sad story. Ive found that most will realize that you care about them on some level but on the another they dont. The relationship is like a roller coaster where the highs are very high and the lows are very low this is why people probably stay in these types of relationships, because of the uncertainty and drama. She seems to have absolutely no self awareness of her outlandish behaviors. Mighty community member Kellyann N. shared that mental health professionals have explained BPD using Anakin Skywalker (a.k.a. Borderline personality disorder has a dangerous effect when it is left untreated. In addition to impulsivity, he also displays a propensity for letting his emotions get the best of him, and struggling with fear of abandonment. That would have severely triggered her sense fear of abandonment / fears I was going to hurt her. The last few years have been hell, but, with my BPD, I have used it to heal myself and figure out how to sustain our relationship because I dont want him to leave. The effects of BPD are most severe in intimate relationships. The more I loved her, the further away she went. (*) She pulls you close or push you away! For years? They have a craving to create the ultimate source of attention which they get by getting someone to fall in love with them. Understanding what your spouse is feeling and what causes her to feel that way will give you new tools that you can use to stabilize your relationship. No there isnt the article is spot on. In some cases, they even have the advantage, Blanchard added. I understand your perspective of male behavior, but I disagree that all men are as you describe. wow!! Always relates to her past and fears things I think. Given every chance you can. We are not CON ARTISTS, we simply want love and adoration but we feel such intense emotions that we become suspicious and frightened if all of a sudden our nice guy partner cant be arsed to make the effort anymore. you have been involved in psychiatry, would be a bit more understanding of that. That makes sense. One that's emotionally unpredictable, marked by stormy relationships and fundamentally unlike anything she remembers before BPD. I feel she has cheated but cannot accept the responsibility of it or anything she does for instance: got drunk til 6am and kicked me out for no reason. I understand violence is not the answer (my sister and moms dog can set me off). Last year I freed myself from a 2-year relationship with a BPD woman. Anger in a family can be somewhat contagious, and partners and even children can get caught up in these cycles. She is not manipulating. It is because they act out with friends in the same way they do with lovers and sabotage those relationships. She had no sense of self, was quick to anger etc etc. Stay positive but insist on moving forward. You will still need to work very hard on your own recovery, but your spouse does not need to suffer as well. The support of a patient, kind and knowledgeable partner who expects to be treated with respect helps a person practice these skills. You could end up feeling VERY guilty if you were to know the pain they may inflict on themselves. What a great description of a classic woman with traits of BPD. You better hope that someone with this illness, who perhaps hasnt gained a lot of strength with coping with it, sees this when they are low. It can be done, but therapists are not trained in these techniques. Two weeks later, she dumped me on the flimsiest of reasons. She went into panic. Why do I stay? These individuals sometimes can be rehabilitated by their partners using very specific techniques. S, it is very hard for anyone in your position to stay strong. I then simply called her out on all the things I hadnt managed to say face to face and left it at that. Doesnt really express anger in the verbal form but moreso in actions. And, childishly, they simply dont want to lose all the benefits you provide. Jay@skeetersstrength.com OR Rose@skeetersstrength.com. Yes, I do have bpd, however I can say with 100% honesty that I am not selfish in the least in my relationship. And men and women who abuse their mates/spouses are not great people. Men are also designed to be providers. You are preaching to the converted. Wow. I have just ended a 1.5 yr relationship with a girl who I believe has the same issue. I get treatment for anxiety, I have a little social phobia, not that I dont like other people, I just dont care for large crowds of strangers, this makes me somewhat of a homebody. I keep testing him to see if he really cares. She is utterly dependant on me being here. Thank you for this article, it has opened my eyes to what happened to me, Is it possible to be friends with her or women like her? Well a lot of the time anyway. This just takes all hope away I believe if you have a borderliner, like me, on therapy and trying to work on herself, together with a partner who tries to understand and knows the triggers and tries to understand borderline, I believe it can work, at least, that is what I hope, because after reading this Im wondering if it will ever be better. I hate that i have made a child with her, cuz all she does it use my child against me to make me wanna stay. One thing everyone should know is that if someone cares about you and really wants to spend time with you, they will make time. Your site is amazing and the best I have read on the subject of relationships with women with BPD traits. It is seen as barter. With you you are searching for someone who can make you emotionally happy, when in reality for a man this is very hard to do in the long run. We might say that she is using her partner because she is aware that she is pushing and pulling. Empathy is the process that allows us to feel the emotions of others. Generally inversing the main gender tendency too! I opened myself up to her like I never did before not even with my ex-wife of 10 years. We met in the fall and spent the next four months together. confusing explanations (in other places) .. You dont pay attention to me. Whether they develop into full blown BPD by the time that individual is an adult depends on many factors. You are really good with them. However, the upside of this instability is that these individuals might be exciting to be with in terms of sensation seeking and being impulsive. Its like she purposely was out to ruin me. Whether theyre nice or not, the reason they stay is because they want the admiration the BPD provides them with when theyre in a good mood. Hi, I'm Juliette. They may not believe anyone is capable of selfless giving. The woman with traits of BPD has a problem. His emotions constantly push him toward rash decisions based on virtually zero logic. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness. We ALL have done horrid things. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Part 1 discussed how the difficulties typically affect males with symptoms of BPD. These intense feelings increase the probability of impulsive behavior, which is often expressed as promiscuity. Thank god I didnt invest too much or else I would be heartbroken. She actually offered to be friends (to which I didnt even answer). I am a confident guy and with her I turned into a pussy. How can you be sleeping? Without further ado, here are the movies that got BPD symptoms (mostly) right: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a science-fiction romantic comedy/drama that focuses on the relationship between introverted and anxious Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) and free-spirit Clementine Kruczynski (Kate Winslet). When she realizes that she wants more than wild sex and that her looks are not that attractive anymore, she turns to the naive, sexually inexperienced nice, and eventually economically wealthy nice guy. Men viewed physically attractive women who were high in borderline personality traits to be more appealing than women who were less physically attractive and low in borderline personality traits. She believes he will provide her with the kind of guarantee that she knows she must have in order to feel safe in a relationship. It is like she forgets she agreed this is not a wise move, but then it always comes back. I took care of all her needs, supported her as best as I could, fell in love and in the end was left devalued, hurt, and with no understanding of what really happened. My heart tells me she didnt want this to happen but my head tells me she wouldnt have done this if she didnt want to. Another important aspect is the fact that women with traits of BPD feel extreme humiliation due to rejection, exponentially more than the average person. I was actually surprised she was the one that said this. Everything in life is a choice, and if a man chooses to be with a BPD partner, I dont think society (or the Nicola Method) should be discouraging it and encouraging abandonment (because thats how it reads to me and probably every other woman with BPD), making us feel like even you a purported professional would give up on us, too. Because Ive been really just thinking at times is it just me and finding it hard to really believe my own thoughts because she was denying everything. So because these women with traits of BPD have these feelings of worthlessness and being unloveable, would they often think there is something wrong with their partner or that he is using them because he chooses to stay in spite of this behavior? The fact is that these types of personality traits continue to reside within the population so they must be appealing to someone, otherwise these traits would go extinct, Blanchard told PsyPost. Living with intense or uncontrollable anger. You dont understand women Ive been so scared for weeks now. With the help of Rose she helped me escape a really unhealthy marriage, and exposed light into dark places that I and my family will forever be grateful for. Maybe not the best idea but the chemistry was undeniable. Nicola, a question for you. I think that to label the person afflicted with BPD as a Con, is an a very judgmental statement. And took things very seriously ! Not that she can recall much; her BPD-addled mind is chronically burdened with anxiety Women like her thrive off drama and stimulation. I am a nice guy up to a point, then afterwards it will start to vent out of me, and all of the past mental abuse will be right there with it and you will never forget it, you can try but you cant, at that point its easier to leave. This film is heavy, so if you have triggers surrounding self-harm, substance abuse or childhood trauma, it might be a good one to skip, even though it does a good job depicting some classic untreated BPD symptoms and behaviors. 25 years later l filed for divorce due to her abuse and refusal to get help for her BPD. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I talk about how I have been able to tolerate suffering after recovery having come to experience the grace of God and having come to learn how to give myself and those around me that same grace- generous, free, totally unexpected, and totally undeserved courteous good will and kindness. If your spouse suffers from significant symptoms of this disorder, you are most likely affected on a daily basis. Many men report on reading the stories of others who have been through one of these relationships that they feel like they were involved with the same woman. Jay@skeetersstrength.com OR Rose@skeetersstrength.com. Its only since we split 4 months ago that I ve sat back and actually thought about it all moreso. The story goesduring Christmas dinner at my familys house she slipped and fell on her way to the bathroom on some water that my dog has spit up after drinking it out of the toilet. I bought it online. The most important focus after one of these breakups is to your own recovery, which usually consists of gaining closure, just as you are doing, by finding resources that make sense of these behavior patterns. I believe I have BPD and am in the early stages of awareness and has sparked my obsession with researching about it. The research was inspired by a viral parody video, in which a man provides scientific-sounding advice about the relationship between a womans physical appearance, personality, and her dating appeal. In particular, I feel that she misunderstood my intentions due to her relationship insecurities (constantly accusing me of cheating on her, of talking about her, etc). In order for individuals like Laura, who suffer from symptoms of BPD, to enjoy optimal sexual intimacy and greater stability, she will have to learn to tolerate being alone. Someone with borderline personality cannot stop ruminating about past failures. So, there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. I'm inspired every day by the brave vulnerability of our community. Mainly everything she has a answer for and likes conflict. CPTSD, EUPD, & Borderline Personality Disorder recovery work is often painful and difficult. It was time to leave. Can you share some insight on this? Brett: We made beautiful love and then I fell asleep. Go save your practiced angelical act in the mirrors for someone who doesnt know any betteryou will crush nonbpds to powder emotionally and repeatedly. Hes always taken me back so far. Anyway, due to my own weaknesses (messed relationships, attachment issues etc) we end up in a relationship living together she is the perfect match it would seem, really likes my messed-up family of origin, organising parties for birthdays for parents who have never done such things themselves. The woman with BPD (borderline personality disorder) wakes up and is sad to the bone, just like the day before.She is alive, only a different kind of alive. But then he would get up. She was raised in foster care, and subjected to sexual abuse as a child. Its hard to know exactly what is true about her and what is not because of her incessant lies, but Evie describes her mother as a crack whore. Her uncle sexually abused her and pushed her into a fire she has the burn marks and a newspaper article to prove that. Now that you are aware of you internal struggles, what changes have you made to manage these behaviors? I been with her for 16 months and same accusations, lieing , no empathy , no compassion for others and only nice when is on the take ,slowly losing friends and family due to issues . She has shown moments of improvement, but she will still switch to demonizing me at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately, as you have mentioned, the only way to heal from one of these relationships is to find a way to make sense of your experience. I used to respond by being harsh to myself. If I hadnt already had a relationship with her, I would have been so flattered that this pretty girl thinks so highly of me. But people with traits of BPD experience the minor betrayals in the same way we experience the major ones. Seriously, it helped me immensely to get over a three year relationship with a BPD woman. Of course it didnt work out as you cant truly know someone after 6 months. Everything that she seemed to be doing she really was doing. thanks again, He seems to understand, and he says he can take it. Very childlike behaviour. Subscribe to PsyPost on YouTube to stay up-to-date on the latest developments in psychology and neuroscience, Borderline personality traits in attractive women and wealthy low attractive men are relatively favoured by the opposite sex, Mothers who feel unworthy of being loved have less supportive responses to child distress, Grandiose narcissists prefer careers in science and business, while vulnerable narcissists prefer arts and social fields, Review of 1,039 studies indicates exercise can be more effective than counselling or medication for depression, New research reveals the relationships between parental narcissism, scapegoating, and child psychological outcomes, People who are shorter and dissatisfied with their height have more dark personality traits, study finds, Male brains dont respond to images of infant faces like female brains do, study finds, Study finds heightened body esteem is linked to greater sexual harmony in newly-wed couples, Shame makes people living in poverty more supportive of authoritarianism, study finds, New study suggests the 2020 election increased alcohol use and decreased sleep. I found this website to be just excellent! Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. He is no longer happy but still sticks with me. I learned that the feelings of panic that I feel when people leave me are temporary. Feel free to email me about any questions or concerns regarding these techniques. good luck to anyone who is giving it a go , hopefully your situation is better than what mine was . I often felt she is watching me when we are out in the pub or restaurant if I am looking at other girls etc. Continued interactions like this one may leave Brett feeling like Jasmine will see anything he does as wrong and he may give up on the relationship. Are these people good or bad by character? Your personal stuffs excellent. Although we usually assume high emotionality would be an asset in a relationship because it motivates loving behavior, too much emotionality actually turns out to be a liability. Sadly, because the behavior patterns of a woman with traits BPD in the beginning stages of romance are indistinguishable from any other person in love, the best you may be able to hope for is that you dont fall for this con again. In order to understand the dynamic of this couple, we need to answer a very important question. The ability to shift from social to selfish was baffling me until I have read this statement. Im so glad to hear that this blog has been helpful for you. Even though it might only last in the short-term, it might also be sufficient for the initial crucial period of childrearing. The film is known for themes of teenage angst and self-destruction, and was loosely based on Reeds life from ages 12 to 13. She swears im a bad guy/dad/husband, and i swear im good to her and the kids. (She did have a habit of blaming others for anything negative that happened & never taking responsibility for it, an example of how ridiculous this got was blaming the credit card for the bankruptcy she incurred.) I looked after him during this time while the doctors assessed her.
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